I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
