onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize