Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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