ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
