I feel like abortions should bother me more
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
