One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
