The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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