"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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