I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just invented taco cereal.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
