So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
