it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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