What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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