In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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