I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
