Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
