why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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