I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
