hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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