Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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