Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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