do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
