She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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