I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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