No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
