We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
