i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
