Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
