i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
