Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize