I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
