Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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