fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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