I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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