i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
