I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
