i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
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