Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
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