someone threw a dead crab at me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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