Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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