Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize