Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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