got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
