Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
