Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
