Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
