take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My hand turned me down
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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