Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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