my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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