I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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