I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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