Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
