DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
