Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
