Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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