Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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