I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
