Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
