I love black thongs
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
