It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
