I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
