I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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